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Paranatural: Chapter 6/Transcript
Title page Alt text: Suspended from school, Johnny's friend Stephen flies solo for the day. But will he fly too close... to the truth? Page 1 Stephen's mom: WHAT?! SUSPENDED?! Stephen: Ugh, what''EVER'', mom. It's not my fault if Principal Pleezdoo wants to HATE ME Stephen: JUST because I drove her hatchback through the quote unquote "open house". Stephen: That's HER choice. She's got it out for me and my friends, just like the rest of the school SYSTEM. Stephen's mom: DAMMIT, Stephen, I've HAD it with your DAMM CONSPIRACY THEORIES. You gotta get your HEAD OUT of THE CLOUDS and take RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!!! Stephen's mom: You think you can SUPPORT A FAMILY on EXCUSES?? PAY A MORTAGE with DREAMS?? You think you can just WAKE UP ONE DAY and have a VIABLE CAREER as a STAGE MAGICIAN, Stephen's mom: travelling the world, escaping the mundane for an hour each night, conjuring rabbits from hats, ribbons from sleeves, and smiles on children's faces? Stephen's mom: NO!! You have to FACE REALITY, ditch your DEADBEAT FRIENDS, and GET A REAL JOB, DAMMIT!! Alt text: the scar is genetic Page 2 Stephen: Child labor is ILLEGAL, mom, but I guess the LAW's just another thing you only care about when it does what you WANT! Stephen's mom: THAT DOES IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE! Stephen's mom: YOU'RE GROUNDED!! Stephen: HrrrrRR… Stephen: RAAAH!! Stephen's dad: Oh, honey… Alt text: the scar is genetic, OR they angered a samurai while standing in height order Page 3 DJ Mothman: -elcome back to [[The Fever|98.6 FM The FEVER,]] your SOURCE for the SICKEST traffic and weather updates in the biz. DJ Mothman: Haha SIKE! That's what the MAN wants us to say, but we don't SERVE HIM just because he signs the checks. No, we serve YOU, loyal listener, 'cause FOOD FOR THOUGHT is on the menu and we rely on your tips. DJ Mothman: That's right Mayview our producer's at physical therapy and you know what that means: it's time for the FEVER to BREAK the news no one else will... the PARANORMAL, EXTRATERRESTRIAL, and just plain UNEXPLAINABLE kind! DJ Mothman: I'll be your server with the REAL updates, the DL patching holes in the TRUTH, your mixed metaphor mixmaster maitre'd, DJ MOTHMAAAAAAAAN!! DJ Mothman: And with me as always, the bread to my butter, the big spoon to my soup, the bespectacled beskeptical PHD anomaly himself, PROFESSORRRRR BIGFOOT!! Professor Bigfoot: Hello. Alt text: nothing plays better on radio than gimmick outfits Page 4 DJ Mothman: We've got a big show for you today folks and we'll need all the fuel we can get to BLAST through it, so let's start things off with a nice swig of my favorite energy drink… DJ Mothman: HATER-ADE!! DJ Mothman: HENRY from the comments writes in: Henry Y.: First time last time. Tuned in for traffic + weather and got two dudes rambling about conspiracy theories like a terrible podcast. Cryptids, aliens, psychic powers, GHOSTS… Seriously, what makes you dorks believe in this junk? APEX CELEBRITY THE GOD DJ MO…: WELL, HENRY– DJ Mothman: Hang on, I'm gonna need the SOUNDBOARD for this one… Professor Bigfoot: Actually, if I may. Professor Bigfoot: That's an excellent question, Henry. What does make us believe in "all this junk?" Alt text: Allow me to speak in Jokerman for a moment, so you can understand Page 5 Professor Bigfoot: Now, to me, it's understandable why conspiracy theorists get a bad rap, DJ Mothman: Plus a dozen good ones hahaa check out my new album Professor Bigfoot: but I'' believe what makes ''us believe stems from some of the simplest instincts that make us human. DJ Mothman: Well Professor this sounds like a super slow burn you're cooking up, just a really roundabout roast, but partner if you're down to dunk I'm up to alley-oop. DJ Mothman: *AHEM* DJ Mothman: What SORT of instincts, Professor? Professor Bigfoot: Well the first, I'd say, is skepticism… the basic building block of rationality itself. Professor Bigfoot: The human mind is rebellious, you see. Professor Bigfoot: It questions. Professor Bigfoot: It denies authority. Professor Bigfoot: Despite every would-be jailer's efforts, Professor Bigfoot: it is just not good at doing what it's told. Alt text: time to throw socks at passersby Page 6 Professor Bigfoot: In minds like ours, Professor Bigfoot: that healthy skepticism is simply heightened to its peak, the same way an Olympic athlete perfects their physical health. Professor Bigfoot: Through practice. DJ Mothman: Yeah, HENRY. We've got BRAIN ABS you IMP Professor Bigfoot: For instance, most people just accept the moon is real, Professor Bigfoot: but if you told me so, I'd say "how come?" Professor Bigfoot: And if you said there's no such thing as Loch Ness Monsters, Professor Bigfoot: I'd say "not with that attitude there isn't." Professor Bigfoot: This is what it means to practice healthy skepticism. DJ Mothman: … DJ Mothman: …Is… is it? Professor Bigfoot: Ho ho, exactly, my dear friend, exactly. But yes, yes it is. Alt text: Bye Dad! Bye post-apocalypse AU Max! Page 7 Professor Bigfoot: And it's a vital mental muscle to build up! Ritz Price-Lee: Take THAT! Professor Bigfoot: After all, Professor Bigfoot: you never know when having the strength to not believe in things Professor Bigfoot: might lead you to a cause you DO believe in. Professor Bigfoot: Which leads me to the next instinct... Professor Bigfoot: RIGHTEOUSNESS. Alt text: how DARE you use the power of kicking for evil Page 8 Ritz Price-Lee: ...And then I said, "That's not a bank, that's my wallet!" Ritz Price-Lee: Ha ha ha, OK gorgeous, I'll ttyl ❤ Ritz Price-Lee: Servi, end recording. Servi: *beep* YES MASTER Stephen: What do you think you're doing? Ritz Price-Lee: Huh? Ritz Price-Lee: Staring down a weird little fart elf, it looks like. Professor Bigfoot: Allow me to explain. Alt text: A fart elf is a rare and beautiful cryptid native to- Page 9 Professor Bigfoot: Righteousness is the flame that sparks from the friction of injustice... Professor Bigfoot: against our sense of right Stephen: Beating up innocent people is fun and fine, Professor Bigfoot: and of wrong. Stephen: but innocent animals... that I can't forgive!! Ritz Price-Lee: Pfff, I'm not beating that mut up because it's FUN. Ritz Price-Lee: I'm beating it up because it's POOR!! Ritz Price-Lee: LOOK at that thing! No money, no clothes, no coding skills... PAH!! Ritz Price-Lee: Animals have been freeloading on our planet for WAY too long. SOMEone needs to teach them a lesson. Ritz Price-Lee: Maybe then they'll stop eating berries in the woods or whatever and get a real job. Alt text: rare occasion where arguing that people are animals would be a bid for more empathy Page 10 Professor Bigfoot: While the average person's sense of right and wrong is limited to what their other senses can perceive, we conspiracy theorists can extend ours further, and sense the world's ambient wrongness without the need for evidence. DJ Mothman: Wow! Like, uh, Spider-Man. Professor Bigfoot: No, friend. Professor Bigfoot: Even better than Spider-Man. Professor Bigfoot: But with greater power than Spider-Man comes greater responsibility than Spider-Man: Professor Bigfoot: the responsibility not just to rage against injustice... but to keep our rage in check. Professor Bigfoot: You see, with all that extra surface area inside our field of perception, Professor Bigfoot: the flames of righteousness we bear, unleashed, becomes a WILDFIRE. Alt text: trying to get included in the marvel universe to improve my SEO Page 11 Ritz Price-Lee: Whoa! Ha ha! Use your words, little man! Ritz Price-Lee: Don't they teach you that in public school? Or are my mom's property taxes going to waste? Stephen: HNNRgh... Gettin' REAL sick of Mayview Academy dumping its TRASH on East Hill. Stephen: But if they INSIST... Stephen: then you'll get your private education RIGHT HERE. Stephen: I'm gonna teach YOU a lesson, and you... YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!! Ritz Price-Lee: LOL, seriously? Pick on someone your own size, squirt. I'm too old for you. Stephen: DON'T LOOK DOWN ON ME!! I can take high schoolers no PROBLEM! Ritz Price-Lee: Oh yeah? Ritz Price-Lee: How many? Alt text: if you guys had held off on the dramatic sound effect we could've pulled off a proper ambush Page 12 Gage: Heh heh. Tough luck, kid. looks like it's four on zero. Youth Culture: Grind your bones to dust. Stephen: FINE!! Come at me all at once! I'll take EVERY one of you!! Paige: He he Paige: AHAHAHAHAHA!! Alt text: i like you're style kid Page 13 Paige: Well drat, scar boy. I think I like you. I might feel bad if I went and hurt you now. Paige: OK, I've decided. We'll let you fight Ritz one-on-one. That way I can root for you instead. Ritz Price-Lee: Ha ha wait... Paige, you really want me to fight a middle schooler? Ain't we like... above that? Paige: There is no "we" yet, Ritz. Try not to bore me. Ritz Price-Lee: F-fine, bring it, kid!! Just don't expect a fair fight!! Ritz Price-Lee: I've had VERY expensive martial arts lessons. Alt text: I know a variety of PG-rated blunt force techniques Page 14 Professor Bigfoot: Now, some might say that our extraordinary abilities make us larger than life... Professor Bigfoot: that our unmatched fury makes us monstrous, Professor Bigfoot: but I would argue that being superhuman makes us just that: super human. DJ Mothman: Oh yeah? Professor Bigfoot: We're just as likeably flawed as we are superior to normies Professor Bigfoot: and sensing wrong, raging against it, Professor Bigfoot: does not always mean our strength's enough to set it right. Alt text: folks i just wanted to draw a godzilla Page 15 Professor Bigfoot: Still, I like to think Professor Bigfoot: that even the little guy can tower over evil if he has the moral high ground, Professor Bigfoot: uses the weight of their sins against them, Alt text: don't freaking try this at home kids or i'll come to your home and try this at it Page 16 Professor Bigfoot: and gets some help Professor Bigfoot: from his fellow underdogs. Alt text: this last minute's gonna be a real outlier on ritz's average RPM graph but sometimes you gotta plot a revolution or two to defeat a higher class opponent am i right comrade Page 17 Gage: MY TURN!! Gage: HYURK! Professor Bigfoot: At least... Ritz Price-Lee: M-My primary smart phone...!! Professor Bigfoot: that's what I like to think. Alt text: everybody pick up your puppies Page 18 Professor Bigfoot: Liking to think. Professor Bigfoot: What's more human than that? Professor Bigfoot: A conspiracy theoriest knows that every answer's found by someone looking for it. We entertain the possibilities that entertain us! Stephen: Did- Stephen: did we lose 'em? Stephen: Ha haa, we did! Bet those weirdos are mad sorry they messed with Johnny gang's strongest death capo. Stephen: dog You wanna be a death capo? Professor Bigfoot: Skeptism guides us, rightousness fuels us, but if you ask what makes us believe, well... to quote my favorite documentary series, The X-Files, we WANT to believe. DJ Mothman I want to believe my ex files for divorce soon ha ha ha... Stephen: Well the offer's on the table. Alt text: the strongest death capo and the fourth strongest overall member Page 19 Stephen: No collar, huh. You got a family? Got one-a them tracking chips in ya? Stephen: himself ...Do I? Stephen: I can help you get home! Stephen: I bet I'll bet they miss you a bunch. Stephen: Maybe I'll even get a reward! Professor Bigfoot: We fill the unknown with our pet theories and seek the truth to greet like an old friend. Professor Bigfoot: Ask yourself... "What do I'' want?" You might find, like us, that you believe your wish could – ''WILL – come true... with no evidence beside what's in your heart. DJ Mothman: In... in my heart? What I... want? Professor Bigfoot: That's right, friend. What do you want? Alt text: my pet theory is that your dog likes me more than you Page 20 DJ Mothman: I want DJ Mothman: to DJ Mothman: make DJ Mothman: Henry DJ Mothman: feel bad? Professor Bigfoot: Is that really what you want? Alt text: why find cryptids when they can find each other Page 21 Stephen: All right, bud, we're gonna putz around popular people spots until your people spot you. Good plan, right? Stephen: The mini-mall should be a good start. It's been full of folks since that weirdo bought it out, plastered his face everywhere. Dog: GRRRR… Stephen: I know, right? Dude's an evil vampire for sure. Stephen: Ok bud new plan. I'm definitely gonna find your owners eventually Stephen: so if I look into my future, I can find out who I find out they are, with none of the work! Crystal Clearance Owner: Hi ✧･ Welcome to— Alt text: you can't look into the future to skip something like this because you'll see the future where you skipped it, which means you won't learn anything useful, which means you'll have to do the work for real, which means you actually CAN get the answers from looking into your future, but actually you can't, because loop back to beginning of alt text Page 22 Owner: Oh ho! A li'l kid and a cute li'l dog! Owner: You don't have money! Stephen: HOW DID… YOU KNOW THAT…? Owner: … Owner: How do you think? Stephen: H–how do I think…? Stephen: I… don't know, I… I've… Stephen: never really thought about it— Stephen: UWAAAA Owner: OK let's try this again. Alt text: be careful who you mindfreak Page 23 Stephen: So... you're a fortune teller, right? It's like your job to see the future and stuff? Owner: It's that or the gig economy! Owner: Who am I kidding, it's both! Haha Owner: What are you looking for down your timeline, kid? Money? Love? You won't find either playing hooky to hang out at the mall Owner: ...in my experience. Stephen: Um... I'm trying to find this owner's dog, and.. I was hoping I could peek ahead to the happy ending. Stephen: Y'know, to see how to get there. Owner: Lemme let you in on a trade secret, kid. Alt text: it's all nonsense, can't help ya, get outta here Page 24 Owner: You wanna see the future, you don't NEED to look at tea leaves or tarot cards. Owner: Just look around you at the here and now: Owner: there's nothing closer to the future than the present. Owner: That pup's gonna end up with a good owner, kid. Don't you worry. Stephen: Really? Who? Owner: ...No one's paying me to be specific, kid. Yourself included. Stephen: Nuts. Owner: ... Owner: Tell you what, though. If you're trying to find somebody, I've got just the freebie for ya. Any marks ask you where you got 'em, you point em back my way, 'kay? Alt text: ok so dowsing rods are mainly for finding water i think but the human body is like 60% water so there's some leeway here Page 25 Stephen: OK, puppy, these puppies'll point the way... Stephen: Let's go find your family! Professor Bigfoot: Now, Professor Bigfoot: we conspiracy theorists might like to think we're guided by facts and reason, Professor Bigfoot: but truthfully we're following our hearts. Professor Bigfoot: Because of this, we might not always reach our destination, Alt text: nothing's more profitable than a tax exempt ice cream place Page 26 Professor Bigfoot: but we're guaranteed to enjoy every step along the way. Alt text: this page is 4D, scratch your computer, phone, or tablet screen and it'll smell like wet dog probably Page 27 Stephen: Hey, pup. Don't take this as me giving up, but… DJ Mothman: Hey, Professor BF… I know we… agreed not to talk about what happened at Chupacon '99, but… Stephen: if we can't find your family, do you think you'd want to— DJ Mothman: if your feelings haven't changed… do you think you'd want to— Dave Jones Mascot: Hey, kid!! Dave Jones Mascot: You there, with the long dog! Dave Jones Mascot: The youth on the beach with the anti-drug PSA fashion sense! Dave Jones Mascot: The oily boy with the hokey scar! Stephen: JUST SPIT IT OUT, OLD MAN! Alt text: when i was a child i had a friend who believed that mascots were really the characters they represented, and then, for a brief, magical period of time after that was debunked, believed that they were not human, a different species. as president, i pledge to make that child's dream come true Page 28 Dave Jones Mascot: No need to shout! I just wanted to ask if that little wiener over there belongs to you! Stephen: ... Stephen: ...No, it doesn't. Dave Jones Mascot: Ah, grand! Then you'll be glad to know, you're in for a reward! Stephen: Huh...? Dave Jones Mascot: See? What a happy coincidence! Stephen: ... Professor Bigfoot: ALAS Professor Bigfoot: The heart, I fear, is a double-edged sword. Alt text: which is super rad, because that's twice the edges to cut with. zero drawbacks Page 29 Stephen: ...No one's answering. Maybe...Maybe their phone broke. Or they skipped town. Stephen: Or maybe they never existed in the first place, and the rEMNANTS OF ATLANTIS-'' '''Professor Bigfoot:' Wishful thinking-- Thinking with our hearts-- it might give us direction, but... that doesn't always mean it's made us face the truth. Phone Voice: Hello? Stephen: Yes, ma'am. Stephen: You're welcome. Stephen: Yes, ma'am. Stephen: Goodbye. Stephen: OK, pup. Let's... let's bring you home. Alt text: <- likes the person reading this (put this alt text next to whichever character you want to like you Page 30 Lavish Price: Ah! My baby! And my hero— how lovely for me ❤️ Stephen: Uh, thank you. I mean... you're welcome, ma'am. Stephen: Um. Stephen: The poster said something about a cash reward...? Lavish Price: Oh, no, that's— that's my dog's name..... Cash Reward. Lavish Price: You know, they do say virtue is its OWN— Lavish Price: ... Lavish Price: Well, here's virtue plus tip~ Stephen: ... Lavish Price: Thanks again, young man! Alt text: if we named dogs like racehorses the world would be a much better place Page 31 Professor Bigfoot: Sometimes, Professor Bigfoot: the world we build up in our hearts Professor Bigfoot: is not the one we live in. Professor Bigfoot: Why do we believe, you ask? Because...to err is human and that's all I've claimed we are all along. Professor Bigfoot: Still, Alt text: wait, this phone number... 555... the number of the beast...!!!!! Page 32 Professor Bigfoot: ...a steadfast, unyielding clock is right twice a day. Stephen: Is that- Is that my shoe?? And that bone is -''!!'' Professor Bigfoot: Are we willing to bet on those slim odds? Professor Bigfoot: Are we ready to face the reality of our fantasies, should they become real? Stephen: A-all the lost dog posters... they have the same weird phone number! Stephen: !! Stephen: W-What's going on here?! Alt text: maybe they just really like the dog Page 33 Lavish Price: HA ha...one more mutt for the workforce...!! You've done well, minion! Dave Jones Mascot: Thanks, boss! Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Dave Jones Mascot: After I overheard that kid's sob story at the fortune teller and snapped a pic... Dave Jones Mascot: I had to use photoshop to make a fake lost dog poster, and- Dave Jones Mascot: OK I guess it was pretty easy actually. Lavish Price: ❤️ Oh, Davie... you're such a reasonable facsimile of a handsome business tycoon ❤️ Lavish Price: Not like that pathetic ex-husband of mine...! Lavish Price: LUCKILY, once my dog-powered bitcoin mining scheme bears fruit, I won't need to rely on his vast snake oil vitamin supplement fortune any longer!! Lavish Price: Ha ha... I can't believe that FOOL BOY believed this thing's name is Cash Reward. Lavish Price: I sure saved a buck with THAT ruse! Lavish Price: Don't ever cost me money again. I'm adding that seven cents he shook me down for to your next minion tithe. Alt Text: the timeline works out if you imagine they spent like 30 minutes laughing maniacally while stephen made his way back to the house Page 34 Stephen: Unhand that weiner, you sick FREAKS!! Stephen: ahaha noooooo Dave Jones Mascot: ... Lavish Price: DANG IT, DAVIE, this is YOUR mess!! DEAL WITH IT!! Dave Jones Mascot: *sigh* ...Shoulda let sleeping dogs lie, kid. NOW look what you've gone and made me do- Alt Text: if you won't sleep with the dogs... you'll sleep with the fishes Page 35 Dave Jones Mascot: FREEZE! Mayview Police! Lavish Price: W-WHAT?! Dave Jones Mascot: Tch... I wasn't ready to blow my cover yet, kid. This is a delicate operation 5 TO 6 DAYS in the making. Lavish Price: TRAITOR!! Dave Jones Mascot: Nah...no, I owe you one and then some. Thanks to you, I've got photo evidence of money changing hands...just what we need to charge Ms. Price with war crimes. Dave Jones Mascot: It's my fault for getting you involved, but next time, leave the busting to- Alt Text: i'm gonna get ahead of the speculation and say the glowing eyes are non-diegetic, she's not channeling a haunted portrait of herself. oh wait that rules actually hmmm Page 36 Stephen: FETCH! Stephen: BUDDY!! Stephen: You li'l punk...! Stephen: I'm supposed to be the one who's saving you! Alt Text: both immediately trampled by a herd of dogs returning the fetched rods Page 37 Stephen's mom: POLICE!! Stephen's mom: THIS IS A RAID!! SWAT team: RAAAH!! Stephen: M-MOM?? Stephen: C'mon, pup, we gotta scram before she sees me! Professor Bigfoot: So... that's that. Professor Bigfoot: Skeptism, righteousness, a willingness to bet on what we love... Professor Bigfoot: I can't say they're always virtues, but Professor Bigfoot: our hearts are in the right place, at least. Professor Bigfoot: Our instincts, too, perhaps, if not our theories. Professor Bigfoot: ... Professor Bigfoot: Sometimes, listener, I suspect... that the greatest trick this world's worst devils pulled was hiding in plain sight "Cops" Vested Cop: Chief! Sir, are you okay? Dave Jones Mascot: Yes, yes... Professor Bigfoot: and convincing us we had to search for evil. Dave Jones: I'm just fine. Alt Text: we both understand why i had to keep the logistics of removing the mask off-camera, right? right? we understand i'm doing this to protect you from the horrid truth of it Page 38 Professor Bigfoot: It's no hidden secret that the system's filled with willing pawns of power... Dave Jones: Status report. "Cops" Vested Cop: Sir! Thanks to your intervention, we've secured the scene, the property, and all assets contained therein! We're talking major bitcoin bonus, sir! "The Fuzz" Vested Cop: Got the boys settin' up a shell corp and some rigged auctions to get 'em all in your hands as we speak, Chief. Gotta say, I grok why you'd want lakefront land... but the whole circumference of both hills...? Dave Jones: Call it speculation. Good work today, men. "Cops" Vested Cop: Sir! Perhaps, as a reward! Your dark kiss-! Face Mask Cop: If we could partake of your vampiric strength-! Dave Jones: I suppose I am rather thirsty... Dave Jones: And what of the perp, captain? Stephen's Mom: SIR! I'm afraid Lavish Price-Lee escaped SIR! I put her in my personal handcuffs by mistake SIR!!!! Dave Jones: Oh for the love of- Your WHAT?? "Cops" Vested Cop: Sir! Perhaps, as a punishment, your fanged embrace-! Dave Jones's Heart: BA-DUM sound effect Dave Jones: Nrrgh...Cody... "The Fuzz" Vested Cop: I ain't g-gonna beg, b-but if you wanna- Dave Jones: Another time. Someone get me a ride with tinted windows to Mayview Middle School. Professor Bigfoot: Those at the top grab for more control in daylight, not in darkness. Alt Text: dang it, captain! what have i told you about mixing work and pleasure?? and don't say "two great tastes that taste great together," i took that back after the incident with the jet pack unit Page 39 Professor Bigfoot: We rightfully fear secretive manipulation, chemicals and waves, Ritz Price-Lee: Y'all, we've been under here ALL day. I thought you guys were, like, cool rebels, not boring bridge potatoes. I'm still soggy, not to mention STARVING... Can we at LEAST get something to eat?? Professor Bigfoot: but the most persuasive pressure's from our peers. Gage: Y'know, I've been askin' myself that same question. Paige: Hey. Chill. Gage: Whaaat? The big guy said we can't make thralls, yeah? And I certainly don't need a HUMAN friend... Gage: That means she's FOOD! Professor Bigfoot: The status quo need only preach "it's with us or against us," Gage: OW!! WHAT THE HECK?? Ritz Price-Lee: YOU CALLED ME FOOD!! Paige: Take the L'', Gage. We're not ''animals, we're- Youth Culture: HISSSSS! Paige: ...Tch. Paige: ...Do what you want. Professor Bigfoot: and one convert can make agents of us all. Alt Text: it's vampires all the way down folks Page 40 Professor Bigfoot: Then there's doomsday conspiracies... the many means by which our Earth could end. Professor Bigfoot: We're sure they're waiting in the wings: evil schemes, unnatural disasters Professor Bigfoot: hidden behind friendly faces, Professor Bigfoot: our leaders' secrecy, Professor Bigfoot: or the sheer scale of the unknown world itself. Alt Text: Happy Halloween! Page 41 Professor Bigfoot: I cannot help but wonder Isabel Guerra: Oh my god dude you love it Max Puckett: Whaat?? No way! Professor Bigfoot: if we focus on the apocalypses covert and fantastical... Isaac O'Connor: What do you want, King Catnine? King Catnine: The TWO SPIRITS that stalked you this afternoon... King Catnine: ...their ATTACK commences. Sphinx of Games: Heh heh heh... Sphinx of Games: So we meet again, prey! Sphinx of Truth: ... Sphinx of Games: Heh heh, the hate in your eyes... How the cornered mouse curses its fate! Alt Text: oKAY he's HERE you can stop BEGGING me to bring back your FAVORITE CHARACTER the SPHINX OF GAMES Page 42 Sphinx of Games: I have come to collect what I am owed. You remember our little game, yes? Isaac: Um. Not really. Max: That was like years of days ago, my dude. Sphinx of Games: Y-you entered into my contest of riddles. And I said I'd eat you if you lost. And you claimed I added that rule AFTER THE FACT. Nullifying its authority. Isaac: OK. Sphinx of Games: But after my RETREAT I realized spiky boy answered another riddle after my threat. Granting tacit consent via participation! Isaac: So? Sphinx of Games: So YOU are MINE! I am the Sphinx of Games!! Rules of competition in my presence become laws of reality! INCLUDING our duel's STAKES! Ed: Why aren't you the Sphinx of Rules, then? Max: Sphinx of Stinks. Max: Ha ha ' Max:' Max Rules. Sphinx of Games: MYRRRGGH FINE THEN. Sphinx of Games: NO MORE GAAAMES Isaac: Thanks guys. Max: Yeah, don't mention it. Isabel: What about you, pal? If you're looking to even a score like your friend here, we can start with your nine lives. One slash'll make both them AND you divisible by two. Max: Holy cow Isabel Alt Text: paranatural is a comic about threatening kittens Page 43 Sphinx of Truth: Don't dwaw your bwade unwess you're weady to wisk your wife, yiddle girl. Sphinx of Truth: Despite my size, it's Games who's the weal wunt of the sphinx widder. I'm much too stwong to be fwightened by bwuffing. Ed: Awww... Max: Li'l teddy bear voice... Isabel: *Ahem* Well, I Isabel: H-huh? Sphinx of Truth: I am the All wies told in my pwesence, even my own, become the twuth they hide. Sphinx of Truth: Twust, then, this is no empty threat: Alt Text: wisk your wife until she's scwambled Page 44 Sphinx of Truth: I...I''' wost...? That's '''Sphinx of Truth: What? N-no, I didn't say-- GRRGGH!! Max: Oof. Truth hurts, huh, buddy? Ed: It does when ya hit it fifteen times. Isabel: Not feeling the victory lap on the kitten fight, guys. Sphinx of Truth: G-Games spoke the twuth, boy. You ARE subject to his wules. Sphinx of Games: S-sister... Isaac: Let him. He's the one who's gonna find THAT truth hard to swallow. Max haha Sphinx of Truth: F-'FINE!!' You want a PAINFUL TWUTH?! Professor Bigfoot: I cannot help but fear, dear listener... Professor Bigfoot: that we entertain a grand finale to existence just to entertain ourselves Professor Bigfoot: and distract us from the mundane end in sight. Sphinx of Truth: '''Alt Text: maybe it means something less bad with a W in it Page 45 Professor Bigfoot: So... where does that leave us? Professor Bigoot: My fellow conspiracy theorists... what ARE we? DJ Mothman: What are we... Professor Bigfoot: Are we shepherds heeded only in hindsight, Professor Bigfoot: crying wolf into our foolish flock's deaf ears? Professor Bigfoot: Or are we of the sheeple herd ourselves, unwittingly echoing domesticated dogma in bleating harmony with power? Professor Bigfoot: If our dogged whistleblowing's sirens of alarm serve as the dog whistle siren song that leads the system's lambs to slaughter, then perhaps we're more sheepdogs in lone wolf's clothing. Professor Bigfoot: Maybe where THAT leaves us is what answers who we are... Cody Jones: Hey. If you're awake, Help me pick an outfit for tomorrow Professor Bigfoot: Learning your leash's length, would you obey? Hijack: H-huh? Hijack: Wha...? Professor Bigfoot: Or bite the hand that holds it? Alt Text: would you bite hijack. or wouldn't you. this is known as "the trolley problem" Page 46 Professor Bigfoot: Maybe these endless questions are the truth of who we are, Mina Zarei: When- Mina Zarei: Who has- Mina Zarei: HOW could- Professor Bigfoot: and our theories aren't meant to become fact. Mina Zarei: WHERE did I lose that lantern?! Penny Spender: Brought something for you, Mr. Guerra! Mr. Guerra: ...Where did you find that lantern, young lady? Penny: I dunno! ☆ What's knowing worth to you? ♪ Professor Bigfoot: Maybe we don't want answers. Mr. Guerra: Yet another lecture from sensei. Penny: Aww, boo... Mr. Guerra: But I'll pay the usual for the tool. Penny: Aww, yay! Mr. Guerra: IF you listen well during your lesson. Go get changed. Mr. Guerra: Nobody glimpsed your true colors today, I trust? Mr. Guerra: And I trust you understand Mr. Guerra: that with the wrong witness, Mr. Guerra: even a wisp of white will spell trouble beyond the kind you're used to, Miss Spender. Professor Bigfoot: Perhaps our path is paved with stones best left unturned. Alt Text: that's right folks...the ebay etsy haunted object trade is alive and well offline in mayview Page 47 Professor Bigfoot: Perhaps... and perhaps not. In the end, it's our choice. Stephen: PHEW! What a DAY! Stephen: The gang ain't gonna believe the HALF of it! Stephen: Nah, they will...the whole whole. 'Cause of love and trust and stuff. You'd love 'em too, trust me. Professor Bigfoot: Knowing what we know, what we feel, and why we feel it... Professor Bigfoot: Knowing what we DON'T know... who we are, and where we're headed... Professor Bigfoot: These opposites have an undeniable attraction. Professor Bigfoot: Together, they form a theory's essence- A root in reality. A seed of unexplored mystery. Stephen: So hey, uh...Cash Reward? Since all that was a dead end... Stephen: What now? Professor Bigfoot: Whether the tension between the two grows into something more... THAT'S our choice. Professor Bigfoot: With our facts and fears laid bare... Professor Bigfoot: do we commit to this pursuit? Professor Bigfoot: Or let our truth remain conspiracy? Alt Text: is our DALLIANCE with the truth more than a mere FLING, or will we return the truth's MIXTAPE and THAT ONE BIG SWEATER THE TRUTH HAD YOU'VE BORROWED SINCE CHUPACON '99